April 5

Today is Holy Thursday where we commemorate the Last Supper of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  The readings and reflections I did this morning were pretty intense.  Then again, this whole Lenten Season for me has been intense as I allowed myself to go deep into the desert to listen to God's promptings.  I have to thank Him for His revelation today because it was quite deep.  In a nutshell, I had journaled things from Scripture that were "talking to me" but they weren't clear in the meaning.  I had written a prayer, "Help me to understand the full meaning behind this."  Fast forward to tonight's Mass, the Homily of course was talking about the meaning behind the Readings (nothing new), it was stuff I've heard before (nothing new), but it was in line to receive the Eurcharist that I got it.  God was telling me that He has been presenting circumstances, situations, etc over and over again because He was giving me opportunities to LEARN the LESSON!  Well, I can tell you from past experience, it took me 7 years to learn patience.  People all the time comment on how much patience I have.  Now, I have to learn to love people who hurt me (and believe me, the hurt goes deeply).  This has been going on for well over 7 years.  Each time I love unconditionally, give according to my abilities and means, share my gifts and talents, I have great joy in what I am able to do.  The problem?  It's not good enough.  People let me know I can do better, or I am neglecting them, or I'm self-centered, I'm doing it with strings attached, etc, etc, etc.  As a result, they do something or say something to me that is very hurtful.  No need to go into details here because as my patterns are, everyone, and anyone who will bend an ear, will get an earful.  I complain about how unappreciated my efforts are, or better yet sulk.  Eventually I get over it, and become guarded with whomever the incident happened with if they didn't respond to my efforts of resolution so I don't get hurt again.  In others words, I know longer love unconditionally, but rather I am kind because that is what God asks us to do.  God let me know, until I learn the lesson to suffer in silence (not bend every ear that will listen) and continue to love deeply, He will continue to give me opportunities to learn the lesson.  His own Son said, "forgive them Father for they do not know what they do." He knew when He left this earth, He was going to be with His Father.   Jesus ALWAYS loved, helped, served, etc.  AND, He was the one who was mocked, scorned, and put to death.  If it happened to Jesus, why would I be any different?  I have my eyes fixed on the Lord.   He will just have to give me the strength to go through it, and NOT lose the lesson until I get it.  I know I will.   Hopefully it won't take too many more years!  :)